cw: sexual assault
tl;dr: Our Defamation Laws Encourage a Culture of Sexual Violence and Cover-Ups
Today is the 9th of June 2018, which marks four years since Tom Ballard, host of the ABC television show Tonightly, indecently assaulted me. With this post, I aim to describe what happened, offer a small amount of advice to survivors, and shed some light on what I view as one of the greatest challenges facing the Me Too movement in Australia.
Despite countless high profile figures in the United States being publicly accused of sexual harrassment or assault, very few allegations have been made public in Australia for one big reason: Defamation law. Defamation laws in Australia are among the strictest in the world, to the extent that in some cases victims are sued by their rapists for telling people the truth of what happened between them. Somebody once told me that if Harvey Weinstein had done what he did in Australia he would have gotten away with it, the Me Too movement wouldn’t exist and countless survivors would still be living in darkness. Think on that for a moment. Think of the Catholic Church. Within this country, if powerful figures are to be held accountable, the onus truly and unfairly is placed on victims to get their stories out there by whatever means are available. That is of course at terrible, terrible risk to themselves. So, here we go.
I go to his hotel room after a gig; eager to learn about the art form I’ve been practicing for a month, not knowing what’s about to happen. He offers me a glass of port wine. What fun we are having, I think. He finishes his glass, reaches over and grabs my glass, takes a sip then hands it back. He kisses me then. Sticks his tongue right into my mouth. I keep my eyes on the television. The King of Late Night Television, David Letterman, is on TV. He grabs the remote. “This is terrible,” he says, switches off the TV and continues the assault. If it’s terrible, why is he doing it?
My body writhed as I did everything I could to avoid penetration. Anything but penetration. And I’ll leave when I can. And you know, it’s true that the inherent power imbalance between men and women is that men are bigger and stronger and they can do what they want. I left eventually, as politely as I could, but not before he had placed my hand on his penis and placed his mouth on mine, and not before being placed face forward against a counter and desperately turning around. No not that. It wasn’t sex. It was a power struggle.
Days later I went to the police knowing a man who molests one person doesn’t molest only one. I wanted to make sure he didn’t assault anyone else. But I hadn’t said no. I hadn’t said stop. Or if I had it wasn’t clear enough. I’d been too scared to. I didn’t know how. He had molested me but he knew what he was doing. He hadn’t gone outside of the confines of the law. And there wasn’t really anything that could be done so I left the station safe in that knowledge. I decided to live my life.
Me Too didn’t come for three and a half years and in that time my mental health just got worse and worse. I didn’t seek therapy. I didn’t let people in the Australian comedy community know about what had happened. It was a secret that had to be kept, desperately, for the sake of my career. My advice to victims is: If you’re suffering from trauma get professional help. Don’t wait. Get it now. Trust me when I say this: You don’t want to know what rock bottom looks like. Recovery is possible but it takes deliberate and sustained effort.
We live in a system, a culture, that incentivises many people to commit sexual assault. The vast majority of women won’t see their perpetrators face any consequence for their actions. Prevailing attitudes need to change. Laws need to change. We need real systems put in place to prevent sexual assault from happening and make the path to recovery easier for victims to undertake.
If you have been sexually assaulted it is okay to tell people. People will be shocked. I’m not gay but I would say it’s a lot like coming out as gay except that nobody’s happy for you. And if anyone turns their back on you for doing so you didn’t need them. People who do that are idiots.
Stay resilient, stay strong, stay alive. And don’t you dare give up. Know that whatever happens I am on your side. If you tell the truth, no matter how painful and confronting that it is, all the right people will be as well.
We need to change not just the way we view consent but also the way we silence victims. Our defamation laws are stopping countless Australians from seeking the justice they deserve. This life-changing movement has been long overdue and I hope it continues to be a success.
#MeToo