So, in all seriousness now.
As with any big city, it can be a hard and long process to find the perfect suburb, there’s so many for starters and so many factors to weigh.
I tend to find, make a list of what your priorities are, that is, what the most crucial factors are, that would determine if you would live in that suburb or not, it can cut it right down.
For Melbourne, you have the CBD (“Hoddle grid”), inner-city (within a 5-10km radius of the CBD) & suburban regions (south-east, east, north, north-west and west, there’s also Geelong, Dandenong Ranges and Mornington Peninsula that can be included in the urban region), then there’s outer-suburbs, which tend to be rather large, such as Melton in the outer west, Sunbury in the outer North and Pakenham in the outer South-East.
So Turdall, in my experience or knowledge or opinion, best suburbs for what you stipulated above (apat from CBD which is expensive and pretty self-explanatory otherwise):
•Inner suburbs:
Ivanhoe, Thornbury, Brunswick and Coburg are all ‘hip’ and very Melbourne-quintessential. Further east is more pricy. Rather urban looking, some nice parks and walks, as well as great public transport (particularly trams) and CityLink/Tulla Fwy.
Other inner-city suburbs I’d recommend are Footscray, Caulfield, South Yarra, Prahran, Yarraville, Moonee Ponds and Kensington (Inner-east too pricy and dense, as well as congested if you ask me).
•South-East:
Melbourne’s biggest population region, very diverse in suburbs. Ranging from super expensive, posh and exclusive (Toorak/Kooyong/Malvern and Bayside burbs) to multicuitural, big and busy (Dandenong/Narre Warren/Springvale to everything in-between. I’d recommend Hampton (if you can find good rent, rented there before, lovely suburb, yes technically expensive and affluent, but like I hinted, you can find much cheaper, train station and 30min or less into city).
•East:
Not too familar with the area and much is expensive and lacks a lot of transport with a gridlocked (car park) freeway in the morning. Though I hear the sort of Templestowe / Lower Plenty areas are quite nice, clean, open plan and lots of facilities + trams/busses. Also extensive road network, but very congested.
•West:
Take your pick and much more affordable, though there are some pricy spots. As I mentioned, Yarraville and Footscray are fantastic, also Maribyrnong is modern and clean, also lots of gyms and late night hours for facilities (Bill Shorten’s neck of the woods). Also the Flemington/Kensington/Moonee Ponds area as I and some have suggested.
•North West
There’s Essendon/Keilor East which are bustling and provide great access to DFO / airports / major freeways, mid-priced but can be hard to find places to live (availability).
Anything else, perhaps just ask
(Sorry about the essay Turdall).